Gryffindor Wars: May The Farce Be With You
by Yoda
Summary: Some mild swearing entails this comic tale of something, I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote it, but R/R anyway and read the A/N for some explanations, trust me you'll need to...*COMPLETE*


Harry Potter: May The Farce Be With You

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, his friends, enemies and all respective items and characters (beasts or beings) from the novels and novellas of J. K. Rowling are hers by moral right and legal copyright. All new creations are my own fictions by moral right. I also acknowledge the plot and behaviour of characters to be partly the property of George Lucas, that fine old chappy, by legal and moral copyright and right.

Gryffindor Wars: May The Farce Be With You

**A long time ago (ten minutes) in a room far, far away (the toilet)…**

** **

**GRYFFINDOR WARS…**

** **

**A small band of boys,**

**A hopeful Rebellion,**

**A…Empire,**

**A School.**

**[A point to this I hear you cry?]**

** **

Act/Part/Episode/Chapter/Division ONE 

Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry slumbered under a full moon, pale shadows were cast on the mighty stone walls where the Rebellion was based. In his mind's eye the Empire's ruler could picture the heart of hope that stood against him, until a harsh coughing distracted him.

Ackkaarrrgghhaaaa!

_Will you use your inhaler Lord Wormer, came an unnaturally high pitched voice, __And put your flippin' mask back on, you ugly git. Now where was I?_

**You were watching Hogwarts.**

_Who are you?_

Never mind– 

_Look, I'm the all powerful Emperor Voldetine, no one tells me never mind._

Well I can. 

_Why?_

**I'm the narrator, now shut your pipsqueak voice and get on with the story.**

_Fine…great bullying git._

**THAT'S IT, YOU'RE GONE!**

Joking, now I was watching Hogwarts– 

Ackkaarrrgghhaaaa!

**_Will you use your inhaler you dozy twit!!___**

In his mind's eyes Emperor Voldetine pictured the heart of the hope that ruled against him, and the core centred around a small band of boys.

You already said that…

I am the author and I can say anything I bloody well want, so shut your cake hole and lemme finish.

_Can we start going again now._

A small band of boys whose names are astonishingly familiar; Gary Jotter, Donal Beasley, Grenville Lengthybutt, Thomas Dean and Nagennif Sumaes. These five formed a band of hope….You said it again…**shuttit…that would stand against tyranny and the foul oppression that ruled the land.**

_What…did you call me a foul oppression?_

Forget it...Over the past two months (or ten minutes) the boys from the House of Gryffindor had combated with the Empire under the guidance of Gary's mentor, Dum-Ble-Dore, a wizened-grand-master-mugwump-supremo-warrior-wizard-type-blokey or Wiz as he preferred to be know. Over the past two months they had experienced victory and defeat and Gary had lost a pair of glasses during a bout of fisticuffs with Lord Wormer.

I kicked his little arse.

BUT THAT ASIDE…but that aside the time had finally come for the final conflict between good and evil, hope and…an empire, beauty and ugliness-

_OI LESS OF THE UGLY TOSH_

It's in the script you weasel…or rat, or rat…and the Emperor had finally decided that tonight was the time for that conflict.

_Did I, when? I didn't think we'd covered page one of the script._

OK, there is no script, you just do what sounds good…summoning his might and power he sent his trustworthy servant Lord Wormer to attack the domain of hope, with him went several Deaf Cleavers…and yes, they are mad butchers Lord Wormer…

Cheers.

On reaching the castle Lord Wormer did find…I said on reaching the castle, will someone please take him there and change the bloody scenery!!…Dum-Ble-Dore.

Act/Part/Episode/Chapter/Division TWO

And there they did battle, lightstick against lightstick.

Ackkaarrrgghhaaaa!

'Y'know I could give you something for-erk!' with this the mighty wizened-grand-master-mugwump-supremo-warrior-wizard-type-blokey, or Wiz as he preferred to be known, was killed like a feather in a gale. 'Bugger, I'll haunt you all for that one.' Thus when Lord Wormer…

Ackkaarrrgghhaaaa!

Did arrive in the tower of the House of Gryffindor the boys were alerted by a cry of 'Feel the Farce lads' as a hefty script book did get lobbed onto Gary's head. And with a cry of:

'Ow!' the boys were alerted and did pelt the butchers with their lightsticks and also did throw fresh vegetables that confounded the butchers and they didst fall back leaving Lord Wormer to face the five boys.

Ackkaarrrgghhaaaa!! Damn butchers!!!

Then with a piece of foul treachery he did unleash a blast of total methane that knocked out the hopeful ones, allowing the foul Wormer to evacuate the foul room with the unconscious…

_And who can blame him?_

Quiet please.

…form of Gary Jotter, and so the boy was brought before the foul Emperor Voldetine to participate in the battle that would decide the world's fate.

_Ooh gets you!_

WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, OK NOW IT'S TIME FOR SCENE OR WHATEVER THREE AND YOU'VE GOT ME SHOUTING AGAIN, THIS IS REALLY P*****G ME OFF YOU KNOW – YOU'RE THIS FAR………………………………FROM BEING FIRED, AND THAT'S NOT A LOT LET ME TELL YOU. 

WELL GO TO THREE THEN YOU STUPID CRETINS!!

Act/Part/Episode/Chapter/Division THREE

And thus the evil and most heinous Emperor did torture the poor Gary as he promised that his four friends would be cleaved and hung and put up for sale at £4.99 per limb instead of RRP of $35.99. 'No, not at cheap packaging prices, you dare not dishonour them that way.' And so Gary did leap onto the evil Lord Wormer and they did fight lightstick against lightstick until that evil so and so lost his mechanical arm.

You little bugger, don't you know I'm your stepfather's best friend

'You put him in prison!'

Bugger, I forgot about that, ow!

And so Gary did run him through 'Right on my son!' came a disembodied voice and then a pipsqueaking little Emperor Voldetine did charge down on Gary and kicked him one in the shins. 'Hit 'im on the head, go on, smack him one the little beady eyed old toad.'

_Now I know why I had Wizened-grand-master-mugwump-supremo-warrior-wizard-type-blokey, who preferred to be known as Wiz, killed._

And so by liberally whacking him over the head with his lightstick Gary did knock the little Emperor into a state of unconsciousness and hurled him down into a nearby and most handy power core. 'Hah, I have thrown you into a power core and so hope has won, once and for all good has triumphed…'

THE END

(zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!)

'Oi, Harry, wake up, it's time for breakfast.

'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'

'C'mon you lazy bugger, we've only got ten minutes until class starts, and it's Snape first.'

'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'

'Breakfast ends in five minutes, come on.'

'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…Saturday…Ron… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'

'WHAT!!!'

_Ere, are we back on now?_

Could be

Do I have to beat you again?

I suppose I could let them win…

_No, I like these imaginative deaths of mine, how about I have a fall from a twenty-five storey building this time…what do you say Harry?_

A/N: Oh my God did I write this? For the benefit of all dazed and seriously confused readers (and me) this is a piece of very 'English' humour, not racially but because that's its origin. It is based upon work by 'The Goons', a quintet of comedy who would try and tell a story each week only to be interrupted on BBC radio broadcasts. The story itself is of course my connection with Star Wars, for truly I am Yoda.


End file.
